My Fantasy

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Nov. 4th, 2009

Can't wash US all away!

music: Understanding-Evanescence and We Are Broken-Paramore

“The most important political step
that any gay man or lesbian can take is to
come out of the closet.
It's been proven that it is easier to hate us and to fear us

if you can't see us.”
"Burst down those closet doors once and for all
and stand up and start to fight."

Oct. 23rd, 2009

Poems to a few friends :)

location: on the floor

mood:

sick

music: Dear Agony-Breaking Benjamin

Lizi
Oh bitch with the pink hair
Why do you stare
at my face
in all it's disgrace.

Oh bitch with hair so pink
do I stink?
Why do you crinkle your nose
when you see my toes?

Oh Pink haired bitch
you make me itch
when i pet your prissy
you get all pissy

Oh pink haired nitch
You are my bitch!
No matter the sitch
our friendship wont glitch

Arielle
Arielle
you've got me in a spell
I'm Slipping away from you
And Just being alive wont do

The watery beads fall down
upon this burger king crown
Just one more memory we made
Back in 9th and 8th grade.

I'll have you naked in the end
If you'll sing with me my friend.
Turn out the lights
we'll flash ourselves tonight

I can't afford to care
your friendship i can't spare
You're way too addicting
And completely contradicting

After we get together
I'll prove to you forever
We're the bestest of friends
and i'll always make amends

I miss your spunkiness
the total and utter craziness
I will never let you go
and I just wanted you to know.

Julie

Oh Julie-beans :D
I want to see you right now
by any means,
at any time, don't care how.

We will be together,
Now and forever.
and it's plain as anyone can see
we're simply meant to be.

You're in denial,
You have real beauty
I see it in you smile
and in your cute booty

No matter the stakes
Call me day or night
I'll do what it takes.
for you to feel alright

I wrote you this
just to say hi
because it is you that i miss
and you should call me in five.

Oct. 19th, 2009

Tisk tisk

mood:

dorky

I'm having Balthier Withdrawls!!!
VERY BAD ONES!
Time for smut!

Posted at 02:45 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 13th, 2009

I'll cut you up!

Alright, so I've not told you the complete truth about myself. I'm not entirely straight. I go both ways, I'm not bi, i happen to think bi people are just sex crazy and get it from whoever they can. I fall for someone because of their personality, guy or girl. It is usually girls, by usually i mean 9 times out of 10 so when i do randomly like a guy (only when it can be or is mutual to do i ever like a guy) It hurts just a little more when things don't work out...
If i haven't made you think negative about me yet, than continue...

I've been talking to this guy Spencer. He goes to CSU Fort Collins and he as well as myself have been very interested (he tells me lol) We, last night, just talked on the phone for the first time and it was pretty exciting. He called me to tell me goodnight. and than today we had a really long conversation about life, people, ourselves and than made plans to meet this weekend. Than i got to my dorm and got online to continue talking to him and he deleted his myspace. He called me from his roommates phone because he broke his a few weeks ago and i still have the number, i want to call and make sure everythings okay.. but I don't want to seem creepy and desperate.

THAN....

This whole thing with Chris (my step-dad for all intensive purposes) is really started to affect me. I never even told him i loved him. I feel like i had something to do with it all. Like not that i caused it directly, but i NEVER made an attempt to make things better :( and i just feel like an awful person cause he loved us kids and my mom.. but now i don't know the man and I keep thinking of all the memories we had together and it's hurting :( He was the first to dye my hair blonde, first to help me buy my elementary (from kindergarten until 6th grade) crush a $50 dollar necklace and when he and i used to race motocross together and go camping together just to ride in the mountains. :( He was like a father to me, very very close and now i've lost him :( To drugs none the less.. Drugs and Alcohol have completely taken everything from my life. My bio-dad, my nana, my Chris, my uncle, my EX-best friend.... I swear sometimes i want to just do drugs and alcohol just to see what the fuss is about but I'm to strong to do it.. :(

AND...

I'm so scared of ending up alone that EVERY time I get into a relationship, even if it's not completely official, and we break up, It hurts me as if we'd been together for like 2 years. I fall easily, I get attached easily and I tend to love easily. It's stupid and pathetic and I'm sure other people think it's just lust but I know how i feel. They're not me and they can't decide the feeling i'm feeling for me. But it's like no one can love me back and when they do, they took to long to realize it and i gave up OR it's someone that i never had feelings for or even spoke of having feelings for... Which makes me an asshole for having unrequited feelings. or so everyone says... But honestly I don't like being single. I feel like i'm not working towards anything. I have no one to share myself with, in friendship and more and for me, that's hard to do. People tell me i'm stuck in the fairy tale or movie love. I want to be someone's world but not be obsessed over. This thought probably isn't making sense, but all in all... I'm hurting.

Whether you think i'm stupid or not and i'm saying i doubt you, but right now i don't want to lose someone else. I'm gotten into a fight with a lot of friends recently cause they're calling me a whore and that I'm stupid for not being happy by myself and that it's pathetic that I look for others to make me completely happy. I'm a really happy person, but i'm even more so when i'm with someone who is mutually with me. But really, I just hate telling people everything about me, I HATE being an open book, and I want people to have their thoughts about me, without knowing my selfish drama. :(

I don't know what else to say....

Sep. 25th, 2009

Creative Writing Assignment.

This is a story I wrote for creative writing last year in highschool,
I recently reused and rewrote some of it.
It has lots of grammer spots and a few spots where i'm missing a word or two
but i'm to lazy to correct it..

( [Petrafy] )

Posted at 08:16 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 14th, 2009

wes poem to me

A sweet as hell poem written to and about me!!!

( Read more... )

Posted at 11:13 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 7th, 2009

Go Away

location: fuck it

mood:

Stupid

music: NIN cover.. and it sucks!

Strangly, chorus and 1 verse were about me...
The rest developed into things about my mom honestly.
and how she needs to just stop, I guess...

Echoing
A drain for the words
that render the worst
the simple bring violence
the answer to our innocence

So soon we end (don't turn back)
the loss we mend (don't come back)

Just give in and too
you'll feel it soon
pushing through the veins
it's in me this disease
pushing through until
There's nothing left of you.

To fall back to you
we both risk this note
A heart with no ties
forever they're lies

End this broken heart
a beat without sound
endless nights are only
spent here broken, lonely

Face this ones failure
more and more, no more
Turn this one around
Cause there's nothing here
I'm not nailed down
and I wont be around.

So soon we end (don't turn back)
the loss we mend (don't come back)

Just give in and too
you'll feel it soon
pushing through the veins
it's in me this disease
pushing through until
There's nothing left of you.

Don't turn back
Don't come back
Leave me this time
Don't turn back
Don't come back
Forget me this time

Sep. 4th, 2009

The Twinky

location: My Dorm

mood:

amused

music: Still Running-Chevelle

So a brief word, this contains explicit material. The characters are from Final Fantasy XII I do not own or claim them as my own. Please read and comment
BalthierxVaan

( The Story Begins )

A terrible rhyming poem

location: Psychology class

mood:

bored

music: To Return-Chevelle

You make me smile
for more than mile.
while we drive away
from where we stay.
such a cute couple
without any trouble.
we laugh, we walk
we cuddle, we talk.
we stare at the stars
oh look there's mars
it's such a lovely night
with no end in sight
but before as we sleep
remember to keep
me in your arm
safe from harm
i'm losing my grip
but before I slip
I whisper i love you
and you know it's true.

Aug. 28th, 2009

Lay to Rest

location: Dorm Room

mood:

accomplished

music: AFI Endlessly She said

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So Spoke,
Misery.

I'll place the nightmare
upon your lips with a kiss
and seal the poison inside.
The deadly poison that broke me
for years and years.

I've been screaming
and bleeding for you.
I'll show you the proof
if you can stitch me back together.
It's no imaginary pain
even if you can't see it.

You'll dread the pain
that etched its symbol
on my heart.
With four letter words
that remain untouched.

I hate you.
I miss you.
I love you.

Forever forgotten
a still memory
a constant numb
a frequent drain
I can't remember you
Your face, your name

A prelude to my falter
breathes no sorrow
breeds no shame
There isn't a candle
to the flame
only a statue
of a bird with no name.

Forget the heartache
I'll lay to rest
any mistake
any heartache
for I am happier
without you.

You'll remember the loss
that etched its symbol
on my heart.
With a five letter word
that remains untouched.

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So Spoke,
Misery.

Final Note:
Goodbye Patrick

Aug. 19th, 2009

The cuteness

location: United States, Colorado, Colorado Springs

Hehe he makes me happy for being such a little cute old man ;)

His names Wesley He's mine and he's fine ;) LOFL

Jul. 20th, 2009

Colorblind

location: Sami's House

mood:

gloomy

music: watching "13 going on 30"

Since when did liking someone and being liked become so hard to do?

I know this isn't a real original topic, but none the less it's the topic of today.

I have been seeing only in black and white lately.
I either have to fall for someone or not have anything to do with them. It's unfair to myself and others. Completely unintentional of course. I continue to just fall faster, harder and stronger than I should be. But does that make me any less of a person. I still have feelings and if people weren't so difficult to read, I wouldn't be so attached.

The worst to me is when you whisper your intentions. What i mean by that is, we all try to show our feelings in a cute way but still hidden. Feeding each other compliments of "cute" "sweet", "I love your eyes" and my personal favorite since i've never felt this way "sexy". But when we say these words I really think the only intention behind them is to fish a compliment out for yourself. I mean why else would you genuinely be so nice all the time. Everyone isn't as innocent as they pretend. but for me, I read these things very deep, like someones cute way of flirting with me. Saying what you mean but hiding yourself in every way. Kind-of pathetic i'm sure, like i'm searching constantly for someone to love me. (As if the people who love me aren't enought, but that's a totally different topic all together)

I haven't had a real relationship with anyone since Sami. If you knew anything about her and I we had a complicated start, amazing middle, tragic end. Almost a real novel hers an my relationship. I was in love with her and I think because i had been with her for so long that I've forgotten how to take my time with things and people. How to just have a casual conversation and when to take a compliment as nothing more than a compliment itself. We all hope and pray that the really cute and sweet girl/boy infront of us is falling for us, but recentally I just realized that wishing and actuality are very distant things for me. I want what I shouldn't and get what i don't deserve and I can't seem to end these images. The ones where your face is unclear, so masked, so beautiful in all it's imperfections.

I really don't know how I feel. I guess because i've always been so confused about love. Who I can and can't. Boy or Girl. But honestly the only thing I've been denied so far is my 7 minutes in heaven. That person who gives me that 7 minutes of pure bliss and seperation from everything. But with weak hands I'd rather find comfort in your silence than wait for you to figure my importance in your heart.

"It's always raining in my head." Does that quote mean anything to you?
It's a beautiful quote don't you think? At first when I heard it sung in "Epiphany-Staind" I listened to it and thought of sadness and sorrow. Which if you listen to the song that makes sense. But when I think of it, I look back on the hundreds and i do mean hundreds of "chick-flicks" I've watched and how every tear jerking kiss is in the middle of a rainstorm. It's usually the most passionate kiss you feel like you've ever seen. No matter the problems, the drama, the pain that each lover went through that kiss reveals complete passion and I guess that's what i picture. Which if you think about it it is kindof sad and full of sorrow, because i've yet to get that kiss.
I like saving my kisses, I don't waste them like a breathe of anger.
I really like to savor moments.
The next line of the song says
"Forget all the things I should have said."
"So i'll dig myself a little whole inside your precious heart."

"whens it my turn, with my love?"

Jun. 2nd, 2009

A thought

mood:

uncomfortable

music: All That Remains-A song for hope

Somethings been bothering me, I've been thinking about writing about it but I always seem to rant when I try so this time I wont delete this when I'm done.

So sometimes family, the news and some of my friends point out huge Mexican families. Whether rich or poor. They point them out because they're a HUGE family and people comment about how they're taking over all the jobs. Besides all the economics that come brought up and about when you think about a Mexican family struggling here in America. People only seem to be annoyed by them because of the jobs and because sometimes they're not friendly. I can't seem to look at them in that way.

I see a family. A solid family who's willing to kill over a simple "you're momma" joke. It's something I have never been apart of. A very close fit family. Everything not only pitching in but willing to do whatever it takes to help each other out. This may seem like a stupid subject, but it really kind of puts me in aw when i think about it. To think about how even through all the struggles they say big Hispanic families face, they all are still there for each other above all else. Friends don't even compare, unless they're the "part of the family" type of friends. It's really fascinating and crude all at the same time. How people only judge them because they take all the jobs when they should be entirely envious of them. I've yet to see a family with as much respect for each other as them. Yes there are exceptions but I'm not talking about the exceptions, obviously.

My friend Toni is Hispanic and I had the opportunity to see half of her entire family during Christmas. 90 people were present. That's a ton of family and everyone seems just thrilled and ecstatic to see each other. Sure it took a long while to see, great and meet everyone in the family, but they were all really family oriented. I had never ever felt so low. I think back to my broken family. They're all so judgmental and grew up so distant from each other. They have their reasons to not speak, I understand that but it really made me wish I could have grown up with a closer family.

May. 22nd, 2009

I hate my life

location: Bryce's Room

music: tv

In my dream last night... (the gist anyway)
I was laying with Bryce and I demanded that he tell me why we can't
be together and then his sister barged in and he screamed for her to get out
and she was like, We all already know, mom knows too.. and he screamed and
closed the door. Then he rolled me over, him on top and said...
"I can't like you, i don't have to like you. I can hate you I don't have to be this way.
If I chose, well the route that includes you, I lose everyone. I lose my friends,
I lose my mom, I lose my dad and eventually I'll lose you or myself. I can't do that
I can't be with you. I can't like you. I'm sorry, I just can't!"
and then my dream ended.
I don't know how to deal with this because I really like him and I believe
that I am in love with him. I don't want him to become another Dean, but
that's just it, he's NOT dean. He is smart and stronger and more convincing
and it's much much much much harder to let him go. He himself doesn't
even want me to let him go. so.... I'm petrified and I don't want to lose him.

I just want to go crawl back in bed with him and just hold him.
We didn't get close at all last night, but i want him now!

May. 21st, 2009

Wired all Wrong

location: Lizi's room

mood:

blistered

music: Mrs. O- Dresden dolls

A precious gem
A woven thread
Twisted and contorted to reach beauty.
A pristine fit to your desire
In royal shades of blue and green
with only a chip or string
To make the tangles unwind
Better reconnect the cable.

But a beauty it did hold
something wild and unruling
something that couldn't be measured
by the shape or the size
small, medium or large
so look ...♥
and connect
the dreams....the thoughts....the messages

the dots are a pale glimpse
a shimmer, if you will,
of the spell you're spiraling into.
It's obscene to call it commitment
after all materialistic things never matter
right?

Of course not!
You don't care?
you don't dare!
Disconnect the blue and red ones.
What meaning can a simple gesture mean?
Nothing but suffering in the morning
nothing but disease running in my veins

waking up feeling small
falling down against a wall
scratches, holes, blisters
they don't make you stall
just a mid-afternoon call

Perfect?
Defy me and all we stood for.
Perfect?
Love me and all our secrets.
Perfect?
Break me and all the promises.
Perfect?

I've become the static in your ears.
I've become the wall that stubbed your toe.
I've become the unplugged cable.
I've become the dog barking at strangers.
I've become the nothing but filthy.

That's when it will become
undesired
That's when it will become
dull
That's when we all know

...we're all wired wrong

Sex sells

location: Entertainmart

mood: Die

Tonight...
Bryce wants me to spend the night but we haven't dome that since he let go of me...

I'm nervous and scared.
He said he doesn't want to be more than friends but then went on to say that he wAnts to be close like we were so I hope he holds me like he use to.. Sign I hope so

I love him

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: sex sells

Posted at 02:31 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

May. 19th, 2009

i need you!

mood:

ANGER!!!

music: flyleaf-sorrow

Fuck you Faggot.

the least you can do
Is be honest with yourself.
let alone me.
sure it isn't that much fun,
so why'd you have to go and pick me?
but you knew we were different
completely!!!

I guess I should thank you for not kissing me
It would have made it harder.
So i guess you thought of that
before we kissed.

You continue to push me
and i keep ignoring it
or rather
you keep ignoring me

Tonight was my graduation.
the least you could do
is show up,
ask for a ride, bum a ride, be present
and even that was to much to ask
even just for "Friendship"

A friendship that gave you more benefits than me
and I continued to let you speak
about our "closeness"
our "old" memories
guess what asshole
they were only like 2 months ago

and you hurt with me..
when you promised me you wouldn't.
and you left without me..
when you promised me you wouldn't.
and you play with me..
when you promised me you wouldn't.

and i want to take your
ultra coolness
your beautiful sculpted face
your genuinely programmed laugh
your deviously formulated words

and they said not to trust you
but that's not my style
and you "showed me something"
that made me feel...

wanted
loved
happy
creative
calm
excited
nervous

ah fuck it
only people who don't care
read these stupid bullitons
cause i'm ranting and give up now
it was never about us
it was about you...

I still want your taste

..You've been denied all the best, ULTRA SEX!..

May. 2nd, 2009

Creeping on the words that you said.

location: Lizi's room

mood:

Stop it

music: I think Vaan runs like a fag

So, I'm stuck between two thoughts and it's turning me inside out. I'm uncontrollably on this constant mission to find love or someone to love. It's redundant though and it's a mission that has the same outcome. It's a Pull me in or push me out situation. It's a throbbing toothache of the mind. I get constantly put down and I force the blame on the other person; "he's to scared" or "she's to clingy". It's never my fault. But what if, what if for the first time it was? I'm the cause and the blame for being left behind. Could it really be? Well, that's where I am. Like the loss isn't pain enough, time to throw in a bit of disgust with yourself. I keep looking for faults in these others, that I didn't realize my own. I'm clingy, I'm controlling, I'm manipulative and a bit of a stalker. I've run into a brick wall. One created by all those who've let me down, who've promised they wont hurt me, who said they stay and haven't. Every time I begin to climb the wall or run around it, It grows bigger. A labyrinth is being created by these people and I'm allowing it. So without creating solitude or a catacomb of love how do I stop it from happening? I don't want to be alone but I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to hurt me. I'd die to win, but I'm born to lose. That's as simple as my words can be. But I'd rather be all the thing I am. Than like every guy all of my friends describe. If only any of you knew how much I try to be a good friend. Whether I love you as a friend, as family, or I'm falling in love with you. I will be damned if any of you try to tell me otherwise.
My only solution is...

Don't tell me you want me.
Don't tell me you like me
Don't tell me you love me.

Apr. 30th, 2009

Goodbye

mood:

weird

music: lizi talking dirty

It's a friend i've lost
Not the time together
but at what cost?
It's simple enough to tell
The breath of alcohol
Strong by the smell
But that I can withstand
And that's a big stetp
For me to expand
One major issue
For me to over look
is a big issue
It's a hate I can't sustain
But that's the matter
Mary-Jane
Did you have a hard day?
light it away
The pain of yesterday
You've found a disease
not contagious by sex
That brings you ease
No that you're sick
Th9is accident
You chose to pick
I shouldn't see less
You're just like daddy
if you dar confess
But this burden
of remembering you,
Has closed curtain
So, I have no friend
but wait a moment
What's your name again?

Apr. 8th, 2009

(no subject)

location: Lizi's room

mood:

inquisitive

music: Rapture-Hurt

“When I said good morning
I was lying
I was truly thinking of
How I might quit waking up”

I live a normal lie.
Hatred is constant
And love is inevitable.
The boundary that shelters both
Is too thin to balance
The fear of losing you
And the burden of having you

Trust, a fated word
Covered with comfort but
Filled with a shattering dose of heartbreak.
It is my forbidden fruit
My censored word
My muted flame
Distant in love
But frequent in shame.
A taboo sore stretched across my chest
Sacred only in the presence of lust

My mind is frozen
Deceived by the thought of you
All these twisted words
They aren’t fair
They exceed
All we can dream
I need to hear more
I need to see more
There’s got to be more
Don’t bite your tongue,
My heart is filled with
Sorrowful remembrance
Revenge is taken
Passionate deliverance

Share your soul
Accept the toll
Selfish is the cure
Separate it from the fear
Don’t be shocked
You took more than I could give.
You burnt my wrist
Separate me from the fear
Now let me go and
Fall away from here
I don’t want to be, selfish anymore
There’s so much more to learn
You’re the one I desire

The touch of your hand
Soft in its entirety
But it was lying
It was truly thinking of
Shredding me to bits
The warmth I feel is clear
The vile of your love
Poisonous taste of envy
I don’t want myself anymore
Breakaway from the today
I want to wake up
And be someone like you.

I’m stripped bare,
Shaken to the bone.
The injection you stuck in me
Has left me panic prone
Finger Stricken
Lifeless as a drone
The storm has torn us apart
Darkening the skies you once
Compared to my eyes
Numbing my touch
Silencing my screams
Immobilized by my fears

Pointing out the cost
Of falling below myself
Grab my wrist
I let go
I don’t need you
I need reverence
To keep sanity near
There’s not need for crying
When you’re the one dying
No matter how selfish
I will make this up.
Only if I try
I’m the only truth.
There’s not need to change.

Save me from the numb
Save me from the greed
Save me from the truth
Save me from the hate
Save me from the want
Save me from the dark
Save me from myself.

“It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here
Far away from here”

________________________________________________________________________

So this is my 7 deadly sins piece,
It's a combination of
my life and the neeed to write something...

Lizi do not hate me for stealing your format thingyy....
I didn't mean to, but it's been really lame having all
the words on the side. But i really like it so,
don't just post with negativity.
and
I forgot gluttony in my paragraphs so,
i must write another thingy..

Previous 20

My Fantasy

Guess it wasn't real after all

November 2009

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Nov. 4th, 2009

Oct. 23rd, 2009

Oct. 19th, 2009

Oct. 13th, 2009

Sep. 25th, 2009

Sep. 14th, 2009

Sep. 7th, 2009

Sep. 4th, 2009

Aug. 28th, 2009

Aug. 19th, 2009

Jul. 20th, 2009

Jun. 2nd, 2009

May. 22nd, 2009

May. 21st, 2009

May. 19th, 2009

May. 2nd, 2009

Apr. 30th, 2009

Apr. 8th, 2009