My Fantasy

Can't wash US all away!

2009-11-04T21:32:41Z

“The most important political step
that any gay man or lesbian can take is to
come out of the closet.
It's been proven that it is easier to hate us and to fear us

if you can't see us.”
"Burst down those closet doors once and for all
and stand up and start to fight."

Poems to a few friends :)

2009-10-23T18:09:15Z

Lizi
Oh bitch with the pink hair
Why do you stare
at my face
in all it's disgrace.

Oh bitch with hair so pink
do I stink?
Why do you crinkle your nose
when you see my toes?

Oh Pink haired bitch
you make me itch
when i pet your prissy
you get all pissy

Oh pink haired nitch
You are my bitch!
No matter the sitch
our friendship wont glitch

Arielle
Arielle
you've got me in a spell
I'm Slipping away from you
And Just being alive wont do

The watery beads fall down
upon this burger king crown
Just one more memory we made
Back in 9th and 8th grade.

I'll have you naked in the end
If you'll sing with me my friend.
Turn out the lights
we'll flash ourselves tonight

I can't afford to care
your friendship i can't spare
You're way too addicting
And completely contradicting

After we get together
I'll prove to you forever
We're the bestest of friends
and i'll always make amends

I miss your spunkiness
the total and utter craziness
I will never let you go
and I just wanted you to know.

Julie

Oh Julie-beans :D
I want to see you right now
by any means,
at any time, don't care how.

We will be together,
Now and forever.
and it's plain as anyone can see
we're simply meant to be.

You're in denial,
You have real beauty
I see it in you smile
and in your cute booty

No matter the stakes
Call me day or night
I'll do what it takes.
for you to feel alright

I wrote you this
just to say hi
because it is you that i miss
and you should call me in five.

Tisk tisk

2009-10-19T20:47:03Z

I'm having Balthier Withdrawls!!!
VERY BAD ONES!
Time for smut!

I'll cut you up!

2009-10-13T08:21:39Z

Alright, so I've not told you the complete truth about myself. I'm not entirely straight. I go both ways, I'm not bi, i happen to think bi people are just sex crazy and get it from whoever they can. I fall for someone because of their personality, guy or girl. It is usually girls, by usually i mean 9 times out of 10 so when i do randomly like a guy (only when it can be or is mutual to do i ever like a guy) It hurts just a little more when things don't work out...
If i haven't made you think negative about me yet, than continue...

I've been talking to this guy Spencer. He goes to CSU Fort Collins and he as well as myself have been very interested (he tells me lol) We, last night, just talked on the phone for the first time and it was pretty exciting. He called me to tell me goodnight. and than today we had a really long conversation about life, people, ourselves and than made plans to meet this weekend. Than i got to my dorm and got online to continue talking to him and he deleted his myspace. He called me from his roommates phone because he broke his a few weeks ago and i still have the number, i want to call and make sure everythings okay.. but I don't want to seem creepy and desperate.

THAN....

This whole thing with Chris (my step-dad for all intensive purposes) is really started to affect me. I never even told him i loved him. I feel like i had something to do with it all. Like not that i caused it directly, but i NEVER made an attempt to make things better :( and i just feel like an awful person cause he loved us kids and my mom.. but now i don't know the man and I keep thinking of all the memories we had together and it's hurting :( He was the first to dye my hair blonde, first to help me buy my elementary (from kindergarten until 6th grade) crush a $50 dollar necklace and when he and i used to race motocross together and go camping together just to ride in the mountains. :( He was like a father to me, very very close and now i've lost him :( To drugs none the less.. Drugs and Alcohol have completely taken everything from my life. My bio-dad, my nana, my Chris, my uncle, my EX-best friend.... I swear sometimes i want to just do drugs and alcohol just to see what the fuss is about but I'm to strong to do it.. :(

AND...

I'm so scared of ending up alone that EVERY time I get into a relationship, even if it's not completely official, and we break up, It hurts me as if we'd been together for like 2 years. I fall easily, I get attached easily and I tend to love easily. It's stupid and pathetic and I'm sure other people think it's just lust but I know how i feel. They're not me and they can't decide the feeling i'm feeling for me. But it's like no one can love me back and when they do, they took to long to realize it and i gave up OR it's someone that i never had feelings for or even spoke of having feelings for... Which makes me an asshole for having unrequited feelings. or so everyone says... But honestly I don't like being single. I feel like i'm not working towards anything. I have no one to share myself with, in friendship and more and for me, that's hard to do. People tell me i'm stuck in the fairy tale or movie love. I want to be someone's world but not be obsessed over. This thought probably isn't making sense, but all in all... I'm hurting.

Whether you think i'm stupid or not and i'm saying i doubt you, but right now i don't want to lose someone else. I'm gotten into a fight with a lot of friends recently cause they're calling me a whore and that I'm stupid for not being happy by myself and that it's pathetic that I look for others to make me completely happy. I'm a really happy person, but i'm even more so when i'm with someone who is mutually with me. But really, I just hate telling people everything about me, I HATE being an open book, and I want people to have their thoughts about me, without knowing my selfish drama. :(

I don't know what else to say....

Creative Writing Assignment.

2009-09-25T14:19:45Z

This is a story I wrote for creative writing last year in highschool,
I recently reused and rewrote some of it.
It has lots of grammer spots and a few spots where i'm missing a word or two
but i'm to lazy to correct it..

Petrify

A magenta swirled purple sky floats around static blurred people. The black and white grains like that of a TV without signal. The soft round earth was completely black and white in comparison to that sky. It was a mildly warm day, as everyone continued moving. A woman and her son had been the only two to see this sky. They stood still in complete astonishment, petrified that at any second this beauty like no other would be destroyed. Ripped away like a torn page from a book. The mountains silhouetted by the sky and resembled a book’s torn page; that created a panic that sent the woman to the ground. When her weak legs gave out and there was nobody there to catch her.

Not once did she turn away from the sky though, even as she lay there oblivious to what was happening around her. The boy stood on the dotted lines. Mouth open, looking almost straight up. His eyes watering from losing all memory and forgetting to blink for fear he might lose this sight. The purple began changing into faint lavender when a cloud moved in, outlined in periwinkle and light shades of pink. These clouds were no longer moving, they weren’t slow either but they seem to be dancing. An elephant and a mouse played tag in these immense puffs of smoke; they even waved to the boy. He motioned to wave back, but ended up wiping the drool that had began streaming to the floor instead. The mime like figures laughed and disappeared into the sky.

Still motionless, the woman gazed at the sun that was no longer big white fuzz like cotton balls. It was almost the shape of a flower and when she stared at it, it became a well-rounded daisy. The flower she had at her wedding, though not as beautiful and no longer black and white. It started spinning and spinning and when she finally thought that it wasn’t real, she rubbed her eyes and when she opened them, she was no more. She couldn’t see the sky, she couldn’t see the boy. Nothing she continued moving into the static and fuzz. The boy however reached up to the closest falling cloud.

The boy was taken up with them and started a game of tag. He was now one of the lavender and periwinkle aspirations in the sky. As he looked down there he and his mothers bodies layed. Eyes still staring and their bodies completely motionless, nobody stopped to help her up and nobody cared.

Part II

A world of total darkness surrounds this woman. She can still hear the cars moving by and the sound of people’s voices muted in static. She closes her eyes, rubs them a little and still, nothing. She looks for something, stumbling with her arms stretched out in from of her, feeling nothing. She drags her feet, shuffling. Bong! Bong! Bong! She has found something and it was tumbling away from her. She quickly falls to her knees to retrieve whatever it is. She feels around and grabs the box that thumps when you shake it. She clings onto it for dear life. She continues forward, or what felt like forward, for hours. She was no afraid and she wasn’t going to give up. Her mother always told her, “If you can get in, you can get out.” But she grew tired and sat down. Still clinging to the box as she falls asleep, eyes wide open staring off into nothing.

The cloud boy had been thoughtless and as light as a feather. Running from shaped color to color in the sky; magenta, orange, yellows, blood reds even. He was playing tag with the hefalumps and woosles. “You’re it!” “No you’re it!” There was a vast open area to play within. The night grew a deep purple and he remembered a thing called home and that he should be there. He thought about it and had no idea where that was, surely it wasn’t here though.

His heart sunk when he’d lost the image of his mothers face. A heavy cloud he’d become and began floating down. The elephants would not have this. The clouds swirled into a vortex and all things became nothing when in it. The boy ran or floated away as fast as possible. He sunk faster and faster too, until he’d plumped onto a familiar roof. The charcoal color with a big white chimney, this must be what he’d once called home. He tried to climb within the window as the vortex lifted him up and he was nothing once again.

Part III

The dark began growing war and damp when the lady woke up. Her eyes as dry as the Sahara desert from being open. “The box, where’s the box?!” she thought in a panic. Her eyes began filling quickly as if a gate broke open from a flood as she waved her hands on the concrete floor. She stood up and hit her head on the box. She stood in complete confusion. Why was the box there? She kept looking for something to be holding it up. A stick, no, but what could it be? The floor however was becoming wet and fast. It was a flowing stream before she even noticed it, when she noticed it; it began rising fast and faster. She jumped up and grabbed the box and it was now shaking. The box was shaking involuntarily or at least she feels like it was and she dropped it again. The water had now risen to her neck. She tried to swim but the water was thick and tasted of blood. As it covers her mouth she let out a final “Stop!” and all of the liquid that began filling her lungs and space around her, had disappeared. The box was still in her arms as she lifted her head from her arms and she wasn’t asleep anymore.

The boy could no longer see himself as he stood on the concrete with everything blurring past him. When he spoke scratch marks covered out his words. These scratch marks poured from his mouth like vomit. They looked almost like thin pretzels shaped sticks, they disappeared. They never touch the ground like a ghost. Just floating, seen and then gone. They boy ran around trying to talk to the static but nothing stopped. He finally screamed “Stop!” and he stood completely dumbfounded when everything disappeared but the concrete and he stood staring at nothing.

Part IV

A sound, a disturbingly faint sound has awoke this woman. She can hear someone screaming though she doesn’t’ know who. She runs towards the sound. Hoping, wishing and praying that it’s someone she knows and will help her. She kept running and running and running, faster and faster until the sound became muted. She blinked and the world became clear. She was suddenly standing upon two white lines, staring off into this beautiful magenta and purple sky once again. The people around her began looking at what she could see. In a panic she screaming “stop looking!”, “look away!” They would turn to her and star into her eyes and they would disappear. She knew that they had fallen victim to the sky, just as she did, once again.

The boy found himself standing next to the shape of a man. When he rips his eyes away from the sky, he notices the man has no face, no hair, just a static shape of a man. The boy tries to keep looking ahead like he was waiting and had not noticed the figure. His heart began scatter beating.

Dun-dundun-dun-du-dunnnn The temptation to look at this being again is too much for the boy, he slowly turns his head to get another brief look that when the man went into him. The boy tried to scream but went completely silent. His back was now pined against the ground, against his will. Almost as if he’d been strapped down and a thousand pound invisible man was collapsed upon his body. He shot up, flew across the sky hitting building, walls, sidewalks, and jerking against one to the other.

They boy grabs onto the light post he had just smacked into and demands with his last breathe breath “No more!” He reached within himself, within the inner most chamber of his soul, took the deepest breath he could and managed a final, “I am not yours! Dad help!” and pushed with all his might the tainted spirit from his body. It looked as though he had thrown glitter everywhere. Sparkling specks of sliver, floating in the sky as the winds and strings began to play a light but now playful sound of relief. The glitter floats away from the boy who is now running in a filed of grey. This place a graveyard, he runs to a place his father is buried. He slowly falls on one knee, tears falling down upon his fathers’ gravestone. Next to the dead flowers and the tears fall upon them, they blossom and the whole world fills again with colors; green apples, blue birds and the red roses. The pedals from the cherry blossom trees above him fall around him swirling in the wind. He no longer felt alone, he could feel his fathers’ presence and he knows his father still loves him.

Part V

The lady falls to he knees and she reads the inscription on the box. To my Lucy, “Lucy, I loved it when you called me that.” She thought to herself. She opens the box to revile a wedding ring and a note.

“Dear Lucy,

My love, fate has taken me away from you. You may be scared and you probably feel alone, but it’s time to be happy and feel at home again. It’s time to go home baby… Turn around, I am here. If you want it’s me you’ll see. I will hold you when you reach for me. Remember I will always be here, right beside you, Always and Forever, until we meet again.

-Tom

Ps. I love you. “

She continued reading down the letter. She didn’t notice everyone around her becoming clear again, the room was filled with family and friends all in her home. Grieving, sniffling, giving their deepest and most heart felt sympathy to her. She continues down the note…

“When you miss me, look towns the sky and smile, I’m smiling at you. When you see the blue water again, remember that it’s my favorite because it’s the color of your gorgeous eyes. When you see our son, remember he still has my eyes and your smile all in one, our most prized creation…”

She cut off from the letter, spun around and screamed “Joey!” She dashed up and back down the endless stairs. He’s not there, her son was gone! She looked in the mirror, looked at the dark rings around her eyes, rubbed them and said “Where is he?” That’s when you could almost instantly see the light bulb turn on in her head, it grew brighter and brighter until the whole screen was white.

It fades slowly to reveal a grass covered graveyard. She slowly walked on screen and the boy was laying on his father’s grave. Eyes full of tears, she walks up, pulls him into her arms and they stare at the magenta sky and they both see him, her lover’s and his father’s, eyes smiling in the clouds. She hands over a letter to him.

“Joey,

I never wanted to leave you. I will always be watching you play soccer, cheering you on. Send a high five my way before every game. Don’t ever feel alone, and don’t try to be with me, remember I’m already there… You’re still my whole world and I will always love you. Good Luck on the soccer game.

-I love you

Dad”

wes poem to me

2009-09-15T05:16:29Z

A sweet as hell poem written to and about me!!!

A Love so strong, I cant deny
You make me so happy I almost cry
Your presence so pure, it warms my soul
You attract me like a magnet, to you I am pulled
In a few short weeks you've become my world
The very thought of gets me excited, like a young school girl
Wow that's so gay you're probably thinking
Be grateful I didnt write this while I was drinking!
When we're together I feel so free
Like nothing else matters, just you and me
Every time you leave, you take a piece of my heart
It's never truly whole when we're apart
Like the Time Travelers wife, I await on your arrival
Only no tears for this movie, this unions based on survival
I cant promise you forever, but I can promise you my best
To always make you happy and put forever to the test
I want to show you how much I Love You, without having to say
Each day is a chance and tomorrow, well
Its ALWAYS a day away! :P
I'll be the butch, you the bitch if you'd like
Either are better than being a Dyke
Your taste in movies may suck, you think mine is lamer
I want Inglorious Bastards, You want to see Gamer
But opposites attract, you may think it untrue
I may be made of paper, but you're made out of glue
Together we will stick, and that is that
If your love were made of food, I'd be so fat
But you're a chubby chaser, so I guess it'd be ok
On my fat tummy your head could lay
Speaking of fat, I Love your ass
You really are black, between that and your sass
I want for us to work out more than anything before
Things are just beginning, there's still so much in store
All my cards are on the table, you can read my poker face
There's no bluffin with my muffin, I want to win this race
The future's looking bright, good thing you bought your shades
Fuck me over and I'll cut you, had better hide your blades.

Go Away

2009-09-08T05:40:09Z

Strangly, chorus and 1 verse were about me...
The rest developed into things about my mom honestly.
and how she needs to just stop, I guess...

Echoing
A drain for the words
that render the worst
the simple bring violence
the answer to our innocence

So soon we end (don't turn back)
the loss we mend (don't come back)

Just give in and too
you'll feel it soon
pushing through the veins
it's in me this disease
pushing through until
There's nothing left of you.

To fall back to you
we both risk this note
A heart with no ties
forever they're lies

End this broken heart
a beat without sound
endless nights are only
spent here broken, lonely

Face this ones failure
more and more, no more
Turn this one around
Cause there's nothing here
I'm not nailed down
and I wont be around.

So soon we end (don't turn back)
the loss we mend (don't come back)

Just give in and too
you'll feel it soon
pushing through the veins
it's in me this disease
pushing through until
There's nothing left of you.

Don't turn back
Don't come back
Leave me this time
Don't turn back
Don't come back
Forget me this time

The Twinky

2009-09-04T20:47:13Z

So a brief word, this contains explicit material. The characters are from Final Fantasy XII I do not own or claim them as my own. Please read and comment
BalthierxVaan

__________________________________________________________________
It’s around midnight after the longest and hottest day of the summer. The day was full of everyone running around, hiding and working hard. Many monsters destroyed, many devious plans were cut to an end. Everybody’s resting now, two per room and it’s still hotter than ever.

As I layed here in my bed, he layed on the bad next to mine still just as naked, just as arrogant, just as wonderful as ever. I layed on my bed, covers throw off and almost no light in the room; with a deep desire to be with him. All I could think of was how I didn’t want to sleep alone. I didn’t want to sleep with just anyone either and though I was tired, I was far from sleeping. The thoughts of him, the nervousness and the heat all played a major role in keeping me awake.

“Man is it hot in here!” I said to the darkness around us.

“Shall I leave then?” he smirked, as he sat up staring at me.

“No.” I blurted out.

From the small crack in the curtains the moonlight shined upon half of his face. His eyes wide open gazing into mine; it seemed as though he was messing with my mind but I ignored the feelings and rolled over.

While I layed there wanting so badly for Balthier to be with me. I knew this was going to be like every night before though, me alone, wanting so badly for him and still waking to being alone in the room, his bed empty just like always.

“Um, Balthier?”

“What is it now?”

I did not answer, the first time I’ve actually worked up the courage to ask him anything and I refrain. I didn’t want him to completely shut me out. Just the thought of him knowing made my heart pound harder than ever. As hard as I tried to hold it back it broke through, I let out a quiet laugh; giggle…

“Is there something else?”

This time I wasn’t going to get scared, I wasn’t about to back out! Without hesitating I crawled in bed with him and slowly leaned my way over to kiss him. I pressed my lips firmly against his and to my surprise he kissed me back. I pulled away after a short period of time and my lips still tingled in the spot he had touched.

My heart was throbbing with anticipation to what would happen next.

Would he flip out? Could he have been thinking the same thing as me?

My curiosity was at its peak and I didn’t know what was to happen but I was completely ready to find out.

I kept staring at him waiting for some kind of response, a hand gesture, a facial expression, something but Balthier being the patient he was never showed any emotion. He took in a breath and slowly turned to face me.

“You, my friend, really are a tease.”

“Oh yeah, prove it.”

I felt his body tense and relax all at once. His entire body twisted now until he was on his back. The moonlight was shining on his chest and upper body, making me want him more than ever. This time he reached around me and pulled me down onto his body and twisted my tongue with his. I pulled back a little and he nibbled the end of my tongue as it slid out of his mouth. The tingling sensation was extremely stimulating. I could feel him growing beneath me and I’m almost certain he could feel me but I didn’t make haste to touch or even acknowledge it. I pushed myself up once more and took a deep breath, stared down upon the warm-toned body. I still couldn’t believe this was happening.

“How long Balthier?”

“How long what?” Balthier said almost hesitantly.

“Have you wanted to do that?”

He did not answer. He got up and walked to the window and looked out the crack in the curtains. He just looked out to the moon turned to me. From the little emotion that man showed, he seemed almost relieved but still a little nervous. He smirked one more time before he swung me underneath him. Kissing me at the same time he moved me under him; on my neck, my shoulder, and my lips. I think this was his way of telling me a long time. I hope it is at least. He put his hands on my face, pulled me slowly into him and kissed me with no hesitation. It felt like something was finally being released. He slid his tongue in and played with mine. This time he nibbled a little bit harder.

“Balthier!” I whispered.

I opened my eyes as he stopped and looked down at me, completely content with what he was doing.

“Am I your first guy?” he asked with a deviously confident face.

He slightly raised an eyebrow as he looked down at me wondering.

I twisted my fingers around his silver hoped nipples. Tugging slightly as I took my finger and trailed it from nipple to nipple. I slowly leaned down to take his nipple into my mouth. Sucking on it and pulling up with it and then I took the silver ring in between my teeth. I slightly pulled until he groaned. Then I kissed his chest one more time and then said with smug look upon my face.

“You tell me.”

I rolled over and waited for him to do something. It took all the little self control I have to keep myself from reaching around and kissing him again. I could his warmth on my back and he whispered in my ear.

“You’re mine, all mine.” He said as he twirled his finger tips across my chest until he finally grabbed my chest firmly and the let go. He knew exactly what I wanted to hear and feel.

“Hey Balthier is this real, or am I going to wake to an empty room soon having only the thoughts of another fantasy playing in my head?”

“So, I’ve been in your fantasies eh…?” he said completely sure of himself now and I wasn’t going to lie, I liked his arrogance.

“More than you know.” As I said it though, I began to blush again. My cheeks quickly filled with blood turning them as red as my sash. I couldn’t believe that I just told him that I’d been fantasizing about him. At least I didn’t tell him how often and to what degree.

This time he pulled me closer to his body. I could feel him, every inch of his body pressing up against mine. He was rubbing my chest and gripping me tightly. “I only left the room to resist myself from you.”

I turned my entire body around until my lips touched his again. His taste was sweeter than candy. He made my mouth tingle every time his tongue entered my mouth. As he pulled away this time I bit his lip, even as he pulled away, until it slid out. I grabbed his hand and fondled with his rings. Until I slip his hand down my body and into my pants. He looked at me with amazement.

“Are you sure you’re want to?” His words seemed cautious but he showed that he really wanted to.

“Why wouldn’t I be? I know you want to as much as I want you to.” I let go of his hand and he stayed. He slid his hand softly up and down my penis. Squeezing gently every once in a while which made my body tense up and release.

“Ba-Balthier”

I was feeling so many things I didn’t have control of anything. I quickly opened my eyes and looked at the moonlit door. I couldn’t help but wonder if it were locked and if anyone could hear us. I gestured towards the door and as to whether it locked. Balthier simply sighed

and said, “Well this just adds a little thrill doesn’t it, the thought that someone could walk in at any moment and catch us? Let’s play this one dangerous shall we?”

He could tell that I was nervous enough as it was so he got up and locked the door. He turned around and leaned on the door. The moon’s glow was making a diagonal stripe down his body. Accenting all his assets; his abs, his eyes, his lips, his dick and the twilight shine from his silver hoop. He slowly made his way back to me. On his way back to the bed he reached into his pants and pulled out an elixir of some kind. He layed back down on the bed with me and pulled my face to his and gave me a rough tough kiss. One that made me feel completely stimulated again.

“This any better?” he smirked looking directly into my eyes as poured a little of his elixir into his hand and slowly moved his hand down to my penis. Moving up and down, up and down the more he moved the hard he would suck my nipples a little harder.

“Ba-bal-mmm”

“You’re going to wake up the whole place, you keep howling like that.” He was completely teasing me, I was far from loud.

“You’re not funny!” I grabbed his cock for the first time all night and well the first time ever for that matter. He jumped back completely shocked.

“You’re sure you want this?”

“I’ve had lots of nights and a thousand steps I’ve walked behind you wondering what if anything would ever happen and here it is.”

“Alright then.” I slowly pulled down his underwear, to reveal his hard cock staring at me. I kissed it and held out my hand as he dripped a little of his elixir into my hand. Up and down I moved my hand squeezing and releasing. “Mmm, Ooo.”

I moved my hand to his sides and pressed my fingers into him and the harder I pressed, the more he moaned so I moved my hands slower but still dug into him. I finally dropped him from my mouth looked at his glistening body and sunk my nails down his chest. He grabbed me and in one quick motion swung me under him. I could feel myself precum between my body and his. He moved down and licked the drops of pre-cum and licked all the up my torso until he bit and licked my nipples.
I felt his warm mouth wrap around my cock. I ran my fingers through his hair. Pulling just hard enough for him to suck harder.
"Ba-Balthier!"
I gripped the sheets around me. He was moving faster and my whole body was tense. I could feel him begin to slow until I slipped out his mouth. He sat up and look at me with the sexiest dimples ever. I put my hand on his cheek and guided him into my for another kiss. His hot and sweaty body was laying on mine.
"I want more" he said and I kissed him again.
"No, I mean I want to get closer, to go farther." he was cautious now and he didn't move. He was nervous, for once, for a response.
I decided to tease him, being the tease that I am. Looking away but smiling at the same time. I looked back and nodded.
He moved off the bed and scooted me to the edge. He grabbed that elixir again pouring it until a little dripped on me.
He stroked the elixir all over his hard cock and some of it dripped slowly down my ass. He leaned over and kissed my chest one more time prolonging what I was sure I wanted.
"Are you sure? I mean I wouldn't want you to squeal."
"Balthier, I really do want this, I've dreamt about this more than you know." I shoved my tongue into his mouth and down his throat again. As if wrestling with some unknown beast fighting his tongue just for his taste.
"On your stomach now if you would."
I didn't hesitate. If anything, I moved to fast, I probably seemed way too anxious for him. I rolled over and I felt his hands grab my hips as the tip of his cock pierced my ass.
"Balthier!!!"
I completely tensed up. Maybe I wasn't as ready as I believed I was. He was so hard and so big, not that I’m to complain.
"Go, Slow..."
It got quiet and he came to a stop. I hope he doesn't think I want to stop, cause I don't. He bent over and kissed my back. He stroked my sides to calm me down then he slowly made his way in. Inch by endless inch. After a few in and outs, It wasn't so tight anymore, I was loose and he was feeling my want for it. I backed up a little, slowly, to try to get him to go a little deeper. He obeyed as if he were a puppet on my string.
"Ba-Balthier!"
I could hear him moaning, He was enjoying this as much as I was. The pinch of his long hard cock widening my hole until it sent an intense feeling through my body. A shock of complete delight though.
"Harder!" I said, almost violently.
He pulled and pushed hard, a loud smack sound was being made.
Smack!
"Oh, do it again.” He smacked my ass as he thrusted himself harder and harder....
"Oh, mmmm..."
He was deep now and faster then before and it just kept getting better. his restless body going harder, faster. He kept trying to suppress his moaning.
"Mmmm, Ohhhh!!!"
I tightened my body and ass muscles. That got his attention.
"I'm surprised the entire house didn’t' wake up."
"Oh by god"
I began to pant and make moaning sounds. This is more thrilling than any fantasy could ever have been. The sweet sweet feeling of his body thrusting upon mine. My dreams never gave this kind of feeling. Not even a municipal amount.
He started to slow but pounded harder as my ass began to feel soar, he pulled out and layed on my body to kiss my cheek. He sat up and I rolled all the way over. He bit my nipple and then I pulled him in for another kiss. These kisses are rough, violent and dangerous. So much power within every smack.
In a moment’s time, I flipped him over and under me and kissed his chest. I bit his stomach, and the ripped abs.
"Ow!" I don't think it really hurt him. He smiled at me and reassured me everything I was scared about. I could see it in his eyes. I grabbed the blue elixir and poured some on him. Moving my hands up and down. I slowly moved off the bed. Still stroking his cock. I took my other had and pinched his nipples. As I kissed a trail up his chest and licked a stream up his body while letting my cock stroke in-between his ass cheeks.

“You are such a tease!”

I smirked and stood back up. I grabbed my cock and slowly began to enter him. I grabbed a little bit more elixir right before I entered. I began slowly but the elixir made me slide right in!

“Oh! You’re bigger than I expected…”

I blushed a deeper red than ever and tried to cover it by looking up.

He grabbed his cock and moved it up and down as I slowly went in and out of him.

“Oh… Mmm…” We were both letting out signs of pleasure!

“How’s that?”

“Mmm… that’s good. Ya know you could go a bit faster!”

I didn’t want to displease him so I did as told. I was now completely in him and going in and out in almost full length strokes making his ass and my hips clap with every stroke. I grabbed his legs and held them up as I pushed in.

I pulled out and he flipped over. I re-entered and I could see his spine and back muscles tensing. His body so hard and wet, I could see droplets of sweat running down his body. It reminded me of the hot days he’d be running around shooting, hunting for our daily meal. So strong, so brave and so hot!

“Show me you’re best.” He insisted.

As I began to pound him harder and harder, he reached around and grabbed my ass. Gripping it tightly. His wet hair flipped back as he leaned his head back. I grabbed his hair and moved my hands through it. He moaned and I pulled on his hair all the little blades slipping through my fingers like when you try to grab soap. My body hardened and he knew what was coming. He pulled away and took my dick in his mouth and took it all in from me.

“Bal-Bal-Bal-mMmm”

He wiped a little with his fingers and licked it.

“Mmm, the best kind of swag there is.”

He got up and left the room. I got under the covers and layed back in bed. Still completely exhausted and dripping cum. My body still tingling and my muscles keep tensing, so I just layed there in the silence.

He crawled being me and cuddled with me. He smelled sweet like fresh cologne. Probably bought from the bazaar a few days ago. I couldn’t be any more confused.

 “Why did that just happen? How could you hide yourself from me?”

“I never believed that anything would happen.” His voice slowed, the sound became filled with emotion. He seemed scared to tell me anything. For once the great Balthier was at a loss for words. “How could I bring him to this?” I thought.

“I never thought there’d be you.”

He kissed me and rolled over.

“Who is this man laying next to me?” I began thinking. Someone I’ve never met that’s for sure. Some just as sweet, just as arrogant but someone completely unfamiliar to the man I’ve watched slaughter beasts great and small and the man I’ve watched talk his way out and most of the time into any situation. Has fallen victim to love and not just any love but in love with me. This is not the man I know but at least it’s requited.

“Balthier, is this a one time sky-pirate fling? Am I going to go on the I’m sure to be long list of Balthiers’ pasts.”

He did not answer. I could hear the crickets and onion Mandagoras laughing outside. A night so perfect was being chased away. I know I wasn’t going to regret it, but will he?

“Balthier Promise, to be here when we wake up.” I whispered to myself so softly you would think I hadn’t said anything at all.

He rolled over kissed me and turned back away. I whispered softly again, this time in his ear.

“You’re my first…”

A terrible rhyming poem

2009-09-04T16:53:59Z

You make me smile
for more than mile.
while we drive away
from where we stay.
such a cute couple
without any trouble.
we laugh, we walk
we cuddle, we talk.
we stare at the stars
oh look there's mars
it's such a lovely night
with no end in sight
but before as we sleep
remember to keep
me in your arm
safe from harm
i'm losing my grip
but before I slip
I whisper i love you
and you know it's true.

Lay to Rest

2009-08-28T23:01:51Z

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So Spoke,
Misery.

I'll place the nightmare
upon your lips with a kiss
and seal the poison inside.
The deadly poison that broke me
for years and years.

I've been screaming
and bleeding for you.
I'll show you the proof
if you can stitch me back together.
It's no imaginary pain
even if you can't see it.

You'll dread the pain
that etched its symbol
on my heart.
With four letter words
that remain untouched.

I hate you.
I miss you.
I love you.

Forever forgotten
a still memory
a constant numb
a frequent drain
I can't remember you
Your face, your name

A prelude to my falter
breathes no sorrow
breeds no shame
There isn't a candle
to the flame
only a statue
of a bird with no name.

Forget the heartache
I'll lay to rest
any mistake
any heartache
for I am happier
without you.

You'll remember the loss
that etched its symbol
on my heart.
With a five letter word
that remains untouched.

"I will wait for you." She said,
Endlessly.
"I will wait for you." So Spoke,
Misery.

Final Note:
Goodbye Patrick

The cuteness

2009-08-20T03:44:54Z

Hehe he makes me happy for being such a little cute old man ;) His names Wesley He's mine and he's fine ;) LOFL

Colorblind

2009-07-21T05:47:12Z

Since when did liking someone and being liked become so hard to do?

I know this isn't a real original topic, but none the less it's the topic of today.

I have been seeing only in black and white lately.
I either have to fall for someone or not have anything to do with them. It's unfair to myself and others. Completely unintentional of course. I continue to just fall faster, harder and stronger than I should be. But does that make me any less of a person. I still have feelings and if people weren't so difficult to read, I wouldn't be so attached.

The worst to me is when you whisper your intentions. What i mean by that is, we all try to show our feelings in a cute way but still hidden. Feeding each other compliments of "cute" "sweet", "I love your eyes" and my personal favorite since i've never felt this way "sexy". But when we say these words I really think the only intention behind them is to fish a compliment out for yourself. I mean why else would you genuinely be so nice all the time. Everyone isn't as innocent as they pretend. but for me, I read these things very deep, like someones cute way of flirting with me. Saying what you mean but hiding yourself in every way. Kind-of pathetic i'm sure, like i'm searching constantly for someone to love me. (As if the people who love me aren't enought, but that's a totally different topic all together)

I haven't had a real relationship with anyone since Sami. If you knew anything about her and I we had a complicated start, amazing middle, tragic end. Almost a real novel hers an my relationship. I was in love with her and I think because i had been with her for so long that I've forgotten how to take my time with things and people. How to just have a casual conversation and when to take a compliment as nothing more than a compliment itself. We all hope and pray that the really cute and sweet girl/boy infront of us is falling for us, but recentally I just realized that wishing and actuality are very distant things for me. I want what I shouldn't and get what i don't deserve and I can't seem to end these images. The ones where your face is unclear, so masked, so beautiful in all it's imperfections.

I really don't know how I feel. I guess because i've always been so confused about love. Who I can and can't. Boy or Girl. But honestly the only thing I've been denied so far is my 7 minutes in heaven. That person who gives me that 7 minutes of pure bliss and seperation from everything. But with weak hands I'd rather find comfort in your silence than wait for you to figure my importance in your heart.

"It's always raining in my head." Does that quote mean anything to you?
It's a beautiful quote don't you think? At first when I heard it sung in "Epiphany-Staind" I listened to it and thought of sadness and sorrow. Which if you listen to the song that makes sense. But when I think of it, I look back on the hundreds and i do mean hundreds of "chick-flicks" I've watched and how every tear jerking kiss is in the middle of a rainstorm. It's usually the most passionate kiss you feel like you've ever seen. No matter the problems, the drama, the pain that each lover went through that kiss reveals complete passion and I guess that's what i picture. Which if you think about it it is kindof sad and full of sorrow, because i've yet to get that kiss.
I like saving my kisses, I don't waste them like a breathe of anger.
I really like to savor moments.
The next line of the song says
"Forget all the things I should have said."
"So i'll dig myself a little whole inside your precious heart."

"whens it my turn, with my love?"

A thought

2009-06-02T19:16:39Z

Somethings been bothering me, I've been thinking about writing about it but I always seem to rant when I try so this time I wont delete this when I'm done.

So sometimes family, the news and some of my friends point out huge Mexican families. Whether rich or poor. They point them out because they're a HUGE family and people comment about how they're taking over all the jobs. Besides all the economics that come brought up and about when you think about a Mexican family struggling here in America. People only seem to be annoyed by them because of the jobs and because sometimes they're not friendly. I can't seem to look at them in that way.

I see a family. A solid family who's willing to kill over a simple "you're momma" joke. It's something I have never been apart of. A very close fit family. Everything not only pitching in but willing to do whatever it takes to help each other out. This may seem like a stupid subject, but it really kind of puts me in aw when i think about it. To think about how even through all the struggles they say big Hispanic families face, they all are still there for each other above all else. Friends don't even compare, unless they're the "part of the family" type of friends. It's really fascinating and crude all at the same time. How people only judge them because they take all the jobs when they should be entirely envious of them. I've yet to see a family with as much respect for each other as them. Yes there are exceptions but I'm not talking about the exceptions, obviously.

My friend Toni is Hispanic and I had the opportunity to see half of her entire family during Christmas. 90 people were present. That's a ton of family and everyone seems just thrilled and ecstatic to see each other. Sure it took a long while to see, great and meet everyone in the family, but they were all really family oriented. I had never ever felt so low. I think back to my broken family. They're all so judgmental and grew up so distant from each other. They have their reasons to not speak, I understand that but it really made me wish I could have grown up with a closer family.

I hate my life

2009-05-22T16:13:29Z

In my dream last night... (the gist anyway)
I was laying with Bryce and I demanded that he tell me why we can't
be together and then his sister barged in and he screamed for her to get out
and she was like, We all already know, mom knows too.. and he screamed and
closed the door. Then he rolled me over, him on top and said...
"I can't like you, i don't have to like you. I can hate you I don't have to be this way.
If I chose, well the route that includes you, I lose everyone. I lose my friends,
I lose my mom, I lose my dad and eventually I'll lose you or myself. I can't do that
I can't be with you. I can't like you. I'm sorry, I just can't!"
and then my dream ended.
I don't know how to deal with this because I really like him and I believe
that I am in love with him. I don't want him to become another Dean, but
that's just it, he's NOT dean. He is smart and stronger and more convincing
and it's much much much much harder to let him go. He himself doesn't
even want me to let him go. so.... I'm petrified and I don't want to lose him.

I just want to go crawl back in bed with him and just hold him.
We didn't get close at all last night, but i want him now!

Wired all Wrong

2009-05-22T02:33:23Z

A precious gem
A woven thread
Twisted and contorted to reach beauty.
A pristine fit to your desire
In royal shades of blue and green
with only a chip or string
To make the tangles unwind
Better reconnect the cable.

But a beauty it did hold
something wild and unruling
something that couldn't be measured
by the shape or the size
small, medium or large
so look ...♥
and connect
the dreams....the thoughts....the messages

the dots are a pale glimpse
a shimmer, if you will,
of the spell you're spiraling into.
It's obscene to call it commitment
after all materialistic things never matter
right?

Of course not!
You don't care?
you don't dare!
Disconnect the blue and red ones.
What meaning can a simple gesture mean?
Nothing but suffering in the morning
nothing but disease running in my veins

waking up feeling small
falling down against a wall
scratches, holes, blisters
they don't make you stall
just a mid-afternoon call

Perfect?
Defy me and all we stood for.
Perfect?
Love me and all our secrets.
Perfect?
Break me and all the promises.
Perfect?

I've become the static in your ears.
I've become the wall that stubbed your toe.
I've become the unplugged cable.
I've become the dog barking at strangers.
I've become the nothing but filthy.

That's when it will become
undesired
That's when it will become
dull
That's when we all know

...we're all wired wrong

Sex sells

2009-05-21T20:31:09Z

Tonight...
Bryce wants me to spend the night but we haven't dome that since he let go of me...

I'm nervous and scared.
He said he doesn't want to be more than friends but then went on to say that he wAnts to be close like we were so I hope he holds me like he use to.. Sign I hope so

I love him

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

i need you!

2009-05-19T19:39:04Z

Fuck you Faggot.

the least you can do
Is be honest with yourself.
let alone me.
sure it isn't that much fun,
so why'd you have to go and pick me?
but you knew we were different
completely!!!

I guess I should thank you for not kissing me
It would have made it harder.
So i guess you thought of that
before we kissed.

You continue to push me
and i keep ignoring it
or rather
you keep ignoring me

Tonight was my graduation.
the least you could do
is show up,
ask for a ride, bum a ride, be present
and even that was to much to ask
even just for "Friendship"

A friendship that gave you more benefits than me
and I continued to let you speak
about our "closeness"
our "old" memories
guess what asshole
they were only like 2 months ago

and you hurt with me..
when you promised me you wouldn't.
and you left without me..
when you promised me you wouldn't.
and you play with me..
when you promised me you wouldn't.

and i want to take your
ultra coolness
your beautiful sculpted face
your genuinely programmed laugh
your deviously formulated words

and they said not to trust you
but that's not my style
and you "showed me something"
that made me feel...

wanted
loved
happy
creative
calm
excited
nervous

ah fuck it
only people who don't care
read these stupid bullitons
cause i'm ranting and give up now
it was never about us
it was about you...

I still want your taste

..You've been denied all the best, ULTRA SEX!..

Creeping on the words that you said.

2009-05-02T18:47:27Z

So, I'm stuck between two thoughts and it's turning me inside out. I'm uncontrollably on this constant mission to find love or someone to love. It's redundant though and it's a mission that has the same outcome. It's a Pull me in or push me out situation. It's a throbbing toothache of the mind. I get constantly put down and I force the blame on the other person; "he's to scared" or "she's to clingy". It's never my fault. But what if, what if for the first time it was? I'm the cause and the blame for being left behind. Could it really be? Well, that's where I am. Like the loss isn't pain enough, time to throw in a bit of disgust with yourself. I keep looking for faults in these others, that I didn't realize my own. I'm clingy, I'm controlling, I'm manipulative and a bit of a stalker. I've run into a brick wall. One created by all those who've let me down, who've promised they wont hurt me, who said they stay and haven't. Every time I begin to climb the wall or run around it, It grows bigger. A labyrinth is being created by these people and I'm allowing it. So without creating solitude or a catacomb of love how do I stop it from happening? I don't want to be alone but I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to hurt me. I'd die to win, but I'm born to lose. That's as simple as my words can be. But I'd rather be all the thing I am. Than like every guy all of my friends describe. If only any of you knew how much I try to be a good friend. Whether I love you as a friend, as family, or I'm falling in love with you. I will be damned if any of you try to tell me otherwise.
My only solution is...

Don't tell me you want me.
Don't tell me you like me
Don't tell me you love me.

Goodbye

2009-05-01T04:26:32Z

It's a friend i've lost
Not the time together
but at what cost?
It's simple enough to tell
The breath of alcohol
Strong by the smell
But that I can withstand
And that's a big stetp
For me to expand
One major issue
For me to over look
is a big issue
It's a hate I can't sustain
But that's the matter
Mary-Jane
Did you have a hard day?
light it away
The pain of yesterday
You've found a disease
not contagious by sex
That brings you ease
No that you're sick
Th9is accident
You chose to pick
I shouldn't see less
You're just like daddy
if you dar confess
But this burden
of remembering you,
Has closed curtain
So, I have no friend
but wait a moment
What's your name again?

rebeljinx @ 2009-04-08T21:05:00

2009-04-09T03:11:36Z

“When I said good morning
I was lying
I was truly thinking of
How I might quit waking up”

I live a normal lie.
Hatred is constant
And love is inevitable.
The boundary that shelters both
Is too thin to balance
The fear of losing you
And the burden of having you

Trust, a fated word
Covered with comfort but
Filled with a shattering dose of heartbreak.
It is my forbidden fruit
My censored word
My muted flame
Distant in love
But frequent in shame.
A taboo sore stretched across my chest
Sacred only in the presence of lust

My mind is frozen
Deceived by the thought of you
All these twisted words
They aren’t fair
They exceed
All we can dream
I need to hear more
I need to see more
There’s got to be more
Don’t bite your tongue,
My heart is filled with
Sorrowful remembrance
Revenge is taken
Passionate deliverance

Share your soul
Accept the toll
Selfish is the cure
Separate it from the fear
Don’t be shocked
You took more than I could give.
You burnt my wrist
Separate me from the fear
Now let me go and
Fall away from here
I don’t want to be, selfish anymore
There’s so much more to learn
You’re the one I desire

The touch of your hand
Soft in its entirety
But it was lying
It was truly thinking of
Shredding me to bits
The warmth I feel is clear
The vile of your love
Poisonous taste of envy
I don’t want myself anymore
Breakaway from the today
I want to wake up
And be someone like you.

I’m stripped bare,
Shaken to the bone.
The injection you stuck in me
Has left me panic prone
Finger Stricken
Lifeless as a drone
The storm has torn us apart
Darkening the skies you once
Compared to my eyes
Numbing my touch
Silencing my screams
Immobilized by my fears

Pointing out the cost
Of falling below myself
Grab my wrist
I let go
I don’t need you
I need reverence
To keep sanity near
There’s not need for crying
When you’re the one dying
No matter how selfish
I will make this up.
Only if I try
I’m the only truth.
There’s not need to change.

Save me from the numb
Save me from the greed
Save me from the truth
Save me from the hate
Save me from the want
Save me from the dark
Save me from myself.

“It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here
Far away from here”

________________________________________________________________________

So this is my 7 deadly sins piece,
It's a combination of
my life and the neeed to write something...

Lizi do not hate me for stealing your format thingyy....
I didn't mean to, but it's been really lame having all
the words on the side. But i really like it so,
don't just post with negativity.
and
I forgot gluttony in my paragraphs so,
i must write another thingy..

Platapus!

2009-03-19T04:06:12Z

By now you don't care
and i believe it.

Even though you're so much better!!!
than i give you credit for.
God damn.
you dickhead, fuckface, cock smoken, mother fuckin
asshold, dirty twat, waste of seamen!!!!

Ugh people are seriously shitty.
shitty to EVERYONE.
Give me one good reason to not
blow up at you for not giving a fuck!?

yes
blowing off someone is NOT CARING!!!

yes
i like you and
yes i believe that you like me too

BUT for gods sakes man.
you talk to all my friends
amanda, sarah, ex girlfriends.. ect.
but claim to be busy
when I want to talk to you.
or message you
or txt you
or fucking just simple things
that normal people do every second
of every god damned day
holy shit

ANGER ANGER ANGER

Your FACE is in the mirror!

So stick that in your juice box and suck it.
when i'm done
that's all you'll be able to drink!

turning me around again

2009-03-19T03:37:18Z

Under these circumstances
I will hide my feelings
It never seems to fail.
your not here when I want you
and i'm scared of you
believe it
[or not]

I wonder if you notice
how unsure
you are when your smile
i'm unsure
I'll my chances to settle
my own cure.

You fill these empty hands
with ten kinds of warmth.
You must be more
something more,
A burning pain will contain
if you leave me broken.

I believe it,
i'm confused
it's apparent.
you're distracted,
will you be yourself.
when you're alone?

Do you want it enough?
Do you want it all?
Should you need it at all?
Do you want it or not?!

you don't feel the same
and I beleive it
I wanted something more
and I believe it
I'm stuck believin [in you]
and now i'm leavin

"turn me over, keep
turning me around again
around again.
four leaf clover has
fallen to the ground again"

bits and pieces are thrown in from others
but whatever you do it too!!
ballin!!!!

haha SAY IT LIZI!!!

That man...he's real.

2009-03-18T05:49:14Z

"What's going on?"
I should have seen what was there.
I guess I am wrong,
I have just never felt this strong.
So, What am i harboring for?
When I've already beatin the storm,
I fought through the screams,
I've found my dreams.
Why am I so afraid to shove off,
to cast myself within your embrace?
Your fingertips i retrace, images.
This movie real is stuck on replay,
showing all of my loves dismay.
In there lies the mystery,
When I've never found you before
What stops this time from ending?
It's made me nothing but dependant.
On you, on lies, on words
On careless situation I drag myself into.
Where fear is more than your drug
Where love is more than your name.
and being with you, brings me shame.
You can do better than me, i'm sure,
you know that's the damned truth.
i wish somehow I could show you proof
If you could see yourself through my eyes.
only than can see through your holy lies.
They'll show you what it means to cry.
the notebook can only try.
Wait, i still forgot to mention
my hate that is the cause.
I still forgot to mention
why I think you're going to leave.
I guess in the jibber jabber of this
I forgot the promise to kiss,
I'm numb with absence, so deal
I guess this time is real.
This is how i feel.

__________________________________
I'm done writing for tonight.
i don't know why i'm so talkitive.
Stupid loquacious self
I've also noticed i'm inquisitve.
which i find annoying and pathetic!

Highschool

2009-03-10T19:12:33Z

I can’t get myself to go away, good god I shouldn’t feel this way now. I look back at high school now that it’s almost over. I have had some of the biggest changes and happiest times but now that I’m graduating and now that all my friends are gone, I see that my high school career was terrible. I didn’t play any sports, I didn’t make very many friends, I didn’t go out for the soccer team or baseball like I always wanted to. I stuck my little cliché of Rockers, punks, Goths and a few emo’s. I haven’t until this year realized that I have been really lazy and uncommitted to anything besides music; Marching band this, chamber winds that, pep band today, choir the next, drum line sucks, solo and ensemble, the musical. It’s pathetic when I look back at it. I should have been trying new things and meeting new people. Played sports, at least they’ll call me a man instead of that gay kid with the Mohawk. Yes my Mohawk was bomb but why did I HAVE to deny myself all those things? I have more guy friends than I’ve had my entire life. Brad, Will, Jon, Bryce, Michael, Derek, Zack, Devin, Ryan, Stevie, Brandon, Caleb. When you look at it in it’s entirety it’s not very many but if you look back all I’ve ever had was Michael, Derek and DJ. It’s more depressing than any of you could imagine, never having that male companionship with any guy except those who’ve had more feelings for me than just friends. My life, my pride is broken. I don’t think anyone realizes how much time I’ve spent wondering what’s wrong with me. Why guys hate me, why they’re all so repulsed from me. I know I have a different outlook on life and I don’t hate gay people, I don’t encourage stupid shit and I’m not “manly”. But the other day a person told me “You’re more manly than I think, even though you are the bitch. You don’t act gay or annoying or pathetic, I promise. Otherwise I wouldn’t be interested.” Then to top that off, I jokingly said to Sami that I was a “virgin again” because god had forgiven me. And after a few good words from her, she said, ”ok I was just asking if it was, I was just going to reassure you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about…and pat you’ve never fallen into the category like those girls r talking about…” The last part was because I said I didn’t want sex because I always here how guys do girls, ditch them and then use them. Subconsciously I guess, I’m afraid to be one of those guys. The perverted, assholes who only think of sex. I am lucky enough to see other things besides sex and boobs. Though I’m not going to lie, Boobs are a turn on.  I don’t know where I’m going with any of this all I know is that I’m really regretful of my high school life. I guess I was just waiting on a miracle. Someone to make me realize how much fun those things could be. I’m making it a personal goal to join more sports, even outside of school. I’m going to join a league with my dad or my sister maybe. I have weight training with you’d never see me doing before and it’s honestly one of my favorite classes and I don’t care what anyone thinks. I can do what I want. I’ve always been so afraid of displeasing those close to me. Connie, Lizi, Sami, Nicole, Sammy, Shasta, Kayde. You were always the coolest people at school, to me atleast. I envied you, I judged you, I liked you. You all really mean or meant a lot to me, though most of you are gone, I’m saying now I was always afraid of not being good enough to be your friend. But you’re all gone. Most of you don’t even care about what happens to me or what has happened to me. Yeah, its true don’t deny it. I read your livejournals, I read your myspaces and I can see from the lack of communication that I never meant as much to you, as you did to me. Now that childhood is almost over for me, because I refuse to let my peter pan complex control my life like most guys. I look back and
I’m a loser
I’m a lover
I’m a friend
I’m just a memory.

rebeljinx @ 2009-03-07T21:43:00

2009-03-08T04:52:15Z

Another life update.

So I am talking to/ seeing a boy named Bryce.
He's a junior and he's really cute and it's intimidating.
cause NOBODY would have guessed him to like guys at all.
but he likes me

He spent the night last night, and he pulled me over on top of him just to lay and feel the way eachother feels on and with the other and the physical attraction is there for both of us. He's kindof chubby and hairy but he's still absolutely sexy and really sweet.

he plays tennis and baseball so athlete= excellent...
I'm falling for him, more and more everytime we hangout.
He shows a lot of interest in me and is NOT afraid to tell me, or show me.
and he was willing to break a few rules just to be close to me.
and...
I really like him.
No doubts
no fears
End of story.